Pressure to be unique + Expectation of customized service + Once in a lifetime = Crazy-Ass Wedding

The following did not make it into our book but we felt like with all the hub bub surrounding the recent Rebecca Mead book, One Perfect Day, we would put in our two cents on the current state of the Wedding Industrial Complex. For the next few weeks we'll be posting these "edited out, but not forgotten" pieces. Let us know what you think!

Pressure to be unique + Expectation of customized service + Once in a lifetime = Crazy-Ass Wedding

If you were born after 1977 you have been labeled a “Millennial,” aka, “Echo Boomer” or “Gen Y.” You are the children of baby boomer parents and you outnumber the generation before you, which means that you are responsible for the projected 22% that the bridal market is expected to grow from 2002 to 2017. We've perused the book, Millennial Rising, by Neil Howe & William Strauss, pulled some Millennial characteristics, and then translated those traits into what the bridal biz hears.

As a millennial, you:
• Grew up showered in love, so you’re confident.
o Bridal Biz translation: “Of course our marriage will last forever, let’s go with the top shelf liquors!”

• Know only good economies, so you’re upbeat.
o Bridal biz translation: “My friends will love to travel to Iceland to attend my wedding! It will be a great getaway for them.”

• Have great relationships with your parents, so you respect authority and are civic-minded.
o Bridal biz translation: “Mom, if you want me to wear full length white gloves I will, but they are going to have be Vera Wang.”

• Have money, because chances are both of your parents worked.
o Bridal biz translation: “And what better way to spend their money than on the most important day of my life!”

• Are technologically savvy because you've grown up in the computer age.
o Bridal biz translation: “I can register online at multiple places and then even if my guests don’t have a Williams Sonoma near them, they can just order online!”

• Are ethnically diverse. One in five of you have at least one immigrant parent and one in 10 has one non-citizen parent.
o Bridal biz translation: “So in addition to our western ceremony we can fly to Korea and have a more traditional ceremony there!”

• Pledge your loyalties. Designers and names represent quality, fashion, and comfort, plus, says Wedding Bells publisher Tracy Day, "they have a value attached to them."
o Bridal biz translation: “My dress has to be Monique Lhuillier I don’t care how much it costs.”

Why do you care and why are we writing about this? Because you are a whole different breed of bride, or at least you are being marketed to as if you are. Raised with keyless entry, digital music, cell phones, e-mail and the Internet at your fingertips, you want things how you want it, when you want it and because you want it. We are used to things that we pay for being customized for us. Just stand in a Starbucks line for 5 minutes and that becomes glaringly evident. Skinny half caf extra wet is light years away from the .40 drip coffee that our parents had. Or think of how you order in a restaurant: dressing on the side; goat instead of blue, and would you mind putting half in a “to-go” container for me so I don’t eat the whole thing? Everyone involved in the wedding biz is more than happy to make your day come together exactly as you want it, for a price of course.

Dance Like a Funky Monkey

I loved NPR's recent The Unger Report, about wedding season being synonymous with his primal fear of being forced out on the dance floor. For the rhythmically-challenged, I can see why this might be more fear-inducing than the dreaded "So, why are you still single?" question you're going to get if you stay seated at the table or park yourself at the bar next to the groom's Uncle Ralph. Nobody wants to be the dancing freak in the wedding video.

It reminded me that I should really share one of my most-requested date stories of all time. At UCLA I took a film production class and met a grad student, whose roommate interned at CAA and who got all sorts of free tickets to everything. He was cute. I think he did set design.

Anyway, he invited me out to see G. Love & Special Sauce (yes, it was like 1994) at a club and picked me up. In his station wagon.

Things were going fine. But during one number, I suddenly realized people in front of us were turning around, looking at something and laughing. Pointing, even. I wasn't sure what the heck they were looking at but I finally decided to find out. A quick glance around and then the horror, the horror!

What were they looking at, you ask? Oh, my date, who was doing what I can only describe as a crazy jig dance.

I shuddered and casually tried to distance myself from him by taking a step to the side. And then, to make things worse, he starting yelling "Woo-hoo! Bring back the funk! We want the funk!"

I stepped further and further away from him, hoping that no one realized I was actually with Crazy Jig Man. (He was violating the sacrosanct tenet of "representing well" that Valerie often espoused on.) My dissociation tactics worked, because eventually another guy offered to buy me a drink.

Moral of the story: better to underdance than flail about spastically at weddings and on first dates.

The Annals of Being a Bridesmaid #8

We called this one "Twisted Sister."

Three years ago my YOUNGER sister got married.

But the story begins about ten months before that when I became engaged to my guy. About six weeks later, my sister announced her engagement. We are thirteen months apart – so growing up the competition was fierce to say the least. As we planned our weddings, if I said black she said white – typical of our relationship. She set her date for two months after my date, which made me fear that family and friends would have to make “Sophie’s Choice” about which wedding to attend. We did agree to be each other’s maids of honor and have no other bridal attendants.

Six weeks before my wedding, my fiancé backed out with cold feet. Heart wrenching, humiliating and devastating for me. I was living in Florida at the time. Within two weeks, I quit my job, sold my house and moved back to the ole homestead in New York. The aftermath was terrible, but I managed to find a job and have some place to go everyday so I would stay alive and figure out how to heal. In the meantime, my sister’s wedding plans were full steam ahead – in fact, she had gone back on her word and asked a friend to be a bridesmaid months before without telling me. I found out about the additional bridesmaid three weeks before her wedding. It was at this time that I was beginning to have grave doubts as to whether I would be able to walk down the aisle. What would people think? Could I even physically do it? The dread was consuming.

I’m not sure whether it was an act of charity or compassion, but she relieved me of my maid of honor duties. I attended the ceremony only, taking three valium and my high school prom date (so I wouldn't look totally pathetic.) I had still planned to be plus one to the reception – after all, if I had been married, my husband would have been attending with me. But with the collapse of my engagement, my sister had assumed I’d be stag. She berated me for wanting to bring someone when their numbers were already so high – so I opted out of the reception. So much for her compassion.

Small Wonder!

I did this as part of a television class at UCLA. Looking back I'm surprised that nobody said anything about how incredibly weird it is.

I was vaguely obsessed with how bad this show was. It was really bad. But to take it where I took it, I guess that is what film school kids do. So what do you think: Funny or Uncomfortable?

Oh, and check out who plays Vicky!

Pulling back the curtain on Bridal Registries

Let’s talk about the growth of registries. Gone are the days of registering at a large department store and calling it a day. With the advent of electronic registries, the Internet and growth of specialty retailers, registering has moved into a whole new world.

In an article about bridal magazines, Daniel Lagani, VP and publisher of the Fairchild Bridal Group says, “Target, Macy’s, Williams & Sonoma and far less traditional players like Home Depot are looking at the bridal category as an opportunity. When you get the bride-to-be, you have identified the Holy Grail of a long-term value customer.”

Why is the B2B a long-term value customer? Because after three years of marriage, 96% of women continue to shop at the same stores they shopped during their engagement and 81% still purchase the same brands. That’s right, long after the last thank you note is sent out and that Cuisinart that your friend just had to have (even though her meals generally go straight from the freezer to the microwave) begins to collect dust in the closet, there is still plenty of money to be made of off this happily married couple. Here are some quick numbers to illustrate this for you:

• Newlyweds spend $70 billion in the first year of marriage, including
• $4 billion on furniture
• $3 billion on house wares
• $413 million on tabletop.

In fact, couples spend more in the first 6 months of marriage than a settled household does in 5 years.

According to a survey by Bride’s magazine, the percent of newlyweds who have either bought the following items in the past year, or plan to do so in the next year:

• Couch/sofa: 32%
• Patio/Outdoor furniture: 31.8%
• Mattress/Box Spring: 29.2%
• Barbecue Grills: 27.9%
• Vacuum cleaners: 25.4%
• Sheets: 48.6%
• Formal napkins: 23.4%
• Blenders: 32.9%
• Automatic coffeemakers: 28.7%
• Toaster ovens: 22.5%
• Cutlery/utensils: 38.8%

And the list goes on and on and on. What were these people doing before getting married, sitting on the floor and making toast in their broiler? If the median age for a woman to marry is 27, then doesn’t it stand to reason that she was living on her own prior to getting engaged? Why, after all of the gifts are given, are newlyweds going out and buying automatic coffeemakers? If anything it seems like today’s newlyweds would be starting out with two of everything from their respective apartments.

It makes sense that a married couple might need larger sheets (for their bigger bed) but a vacuum cleaner? Who knows? And “formal napkins”…who are these newlyweds kidding? Have you ever been to a friend’s house and used “formal napkins”? But maybe setting up house isn't what it's really about. As one woman we interviewed put it:

“Sometimes I just wanted to get married for the sole reason of forcing my friends to buy me tons and tons of useless gifts. I must’ve dropped thousands in the past few years on everyone else!”

I Heart Larry Doyle

Larry Doyle wrote for The Simpsons, but the reason I really love him is because he wrote a New Yorker Shouts & Murmurs column on the destination wedding that is pitch-perfect.

WASP-y names? Check.

Hard to get to locale that makes the betrothed couple appear "adventurous" while really showing them to be imperialist and exploitative? Check.

Casual mention of some kind of social issue to seem like they aren't? Check.

Don't bother with the old-school New Yorker. I don't know why they would have even printed it in the fuddy-duddy mag with instructions to go online. This is a truly interactive piece. With a fake website! And a fake movie (that someone will probably think is a great idea and make)!

It almost makes me forgive the NYer for the fact that Rebecca Mead wrote a book about the wedding industry, and OK, I like her writing and all but really, her observations about the wedding industry are not ALL. THAT. NEW for her to be getting ALL. THAT. PRESS.

iVillage Excerpt: You Won't Be Single Forever

iVillage excerpted a portion of The Bridal Wave for those nagging moments of feeling like you are the last single woman standing.

What are your tips and tricks for getting through the rough patches? And why does it seem like as soon as we feel secure and happy with being on our own we meet some guy?

The Annals of Being a Bridesmaid #7

Someone sent us this tale, and we have to admit there were some doubts about whether or not it was entirely true...but then again, real life is always stranger than fiction, even in bridal fantasy-land, right?

And so it begins...

the night before my good friend’s wedding (we’re not really friends anymore), i was staying at her house with all of the other bridesmaids. i was using the bathroom before bed, and when i went to open the door, i realized that her cat’s paw was stuck in the gap between the floor and the door. i had to force the door open, and the cat screeched bloody murder and limped away and we had to rush it to the emergency vet, and it had all these broken bones, etc. the cat was supposed to be in the wedding (no joke) but since it couldnt walk, she decided that my punishment would be to CARRY IT down the aisle. so i held a squirming cat in my arms (im allergic, too) for the duration of the 45 minute ceremony. might have been the worst experience in my life, and im sure all the guests thought it was the most BIZARRE thing ever.

Deep thought from Drew Barrymore

So last night I was 1/2 asleep, watching Drew Barrymore on Letterman, when I heard her say that you should "bet on yourself." I like that a lot. My meaner friends will sneer, but if you don't believe in yourself why should anyone else?

I hope she meant it, and was not trying to weave in a plug for "Lucky You," her new film.

Q & A: Shower Ideas

Dear E & V: I have to throw a bridal shower and I've never done it before. Help! PS: I'm not rich.--First Timer

Dear First Timer: Everyone gets nervous about their first time. The good news: you don't have to break the bank to throw a bridal shower for your bud. The bad news: It is a three-hour affair with more estrogen per square foot than anything you've encountered in a long time. Don't worry about trying to host something at a swank brunch locale. If you can't have it in your home (a different kind of square footage issue), see if there's an Aunt or other female relative that could offer hers. Then, enlist the bridesmaids to help you, potluck-style, with a menu. You can throw a themed shower and have food, invites, and gifts revolve around that. And that's where Google comes in.

Enter “bridal shower planning,” and you’ll be shocked at how many sites are dedicated to the art of the shower. Some common themes:

• Stock the Pantry. Guests write a favorite recipe on a card and bring it, along with all nonperishable ingredients she’ll need for the recipe. If your crowd is from the “throw the Lean Cuisine in the microwave and press start” school of cooking, you might want to broaden it to a “favorites” theme and have guests bring their favorite...hand cream, cocktail mix, TV show on DVD, candles.
• Entertaining. Just bring something that has recreation written all over it: puzzles, board games, badminton set, bocce balls, Frisbee, karaoke machine.
• Books.Everyone selects a book they think will be useful in married life. (What not to bring: The Woman’s Book of Divorce: 101 Ways to Make Him Suffer Forever and Ever). Or you could even jump the gun and get a book on child rearing. Way to kiss up to the MIL and MOB!
• Spa. A no-brainer: this theme would include gifts like manicure sets, massage oil, facial masks, spa gift certificates, and plush robes.

Bottom line: Creating something that is suited to her hobbies personalizes it and will make the B2B feel special.