The Annals of Being a Bridesmaid #6: Part 2

and so our tale continues...

Friday AM-I awake to screaming baby, Debbie on pain meds, and Debbie’s mom asleep at the sewing machine. We all gather into the cars to go to the courthouse to get Debbie and James married the day before the wedding because the priest doesn’t do Saturday weddings. After, we go to a reception held at Denny’s like restaurant. Baby still colic, manages to smack his head on table. The groom gets stomach bug and is out of commission for the rest of the day. We head back to the hottest house in all of PA where I continue to clean the house. I find dried ferret poop everywhere. Don't ask. Debbie’s mom is still sewing dresses. At 4 pm we trek to Super Wal-Mart to get wedding feast supplies and the rehearsal dinner that night. Debbie and I begin to cook everything and the rest of the wedding party trickles in. We run through the rehearsal and get everyone fed. The Groom and his buddies go out for the Batchelor party. I take Debbie to Wal-Mart for her Bachelorette party because we need more frosting for the wedding cake and can’t really do anything else because the wedding is in 20 hours. By midnight I am making a wedding cake, getting turkeys ready and standing in to try on all of the wedding clothes for Debbie’s mom. The rest of the in-laws to be are watching TV, not budging a bit. It is hotter than hell.

By 4 am on Saturday morning, I go to flip the bottom layer of the wedding cake on to the board and it falls on the floor. Future in-law says “Oh that sucks”. I do everything in my power to not shove her face in the cake. It is now 4 am. I call it a night and head to bed.

So by 6 am, it is officially T minus 12 hours and counting before the wedding. I get up and let Debbie go to bed. I make the frosting and peel potatoes and check the turkeys. Debbie’s mom is once again passed out at the sewing machine. At 7 am, Debbie gets up to feed the baby and we can’t find the baby formula. We go to Wal-Mart. Later I find out that I confused the Crisco with the formula and put the formula in the pantry. By noon, Debbie is icing her wedding cake, and I am making salad, finger foods and making a large vat of margaritas. Finally the future in-laws get off their asses and help set up the wedding reception area outside and put the wedding arc up in the backyard. At 3 pm the wedding parting comes in and gets dressed. Debbie’s mom is frantically trying to get the groom’s outfit finished as well as the bride’s dress made. Yes, it is 2 hours until Debbie walks down the isle and the wedding gown isn’t finished. At 4 pm everyone has discovered the vat of margaritas and things are going even further downhill as Debbie needs to shower and write her vows. I haven’t had a shower is 3 days. So we hop to the bathroom and take turns in the shower. It is so hot that after the shower we sit in a bathtub filled with cold water. As I am dying her hair, she writes the vows. At 5:30, half an hour after when the wedding was supposed to start, her mom comes in with the dress. There is no zipper, so we have to sew Debbie into the dress. Sweaty, I shimmy into my burlap gown and do Debbie’s hair. A neighbor is cleaning the living room when we come out. She helps me make a veil. Debbie looks good and out the door we go. Her brother, drunk and weaving, volunteered to walk Debbie down the isle. Finally, Debbie and James have their wedding. Photos are taken and tears shed. But my job is not over yet. I have to hustle back into the kitchen while everyone else sits down for the dinner. I grab all the food and set up the buffet, momentarily stopping to participate in the wedding party’s first dance. Lucky me, I get the best man with a bad marriage and two kids who wants to play grab ass with me. In between playing hostess and watching everyone else eat and drink, I manage to toast the happy couple and set up the wedding cake. At the bouquet toss, I hit the ground and barely missed it. Finally, people start to tear away from the food and I was able to change out of my 20 lb. cocoon of a bridesmaid dress and put on a t-shirt. After thwarting of the advances of a soon to be divorced father of two, I bid the couple well and went to bed.



The wedding's over. How much worse can it get? Stay tuned to find out.