The Annals of Being a Bridesmaid #6: Part 1

Dear readers, this exceptional tale is very long, so we're going to serialize on the blog bit by painful bit. Here goes:

I liken my last stint as a bridesmaid to that of going into battle. I was drafted in to the service of my high school friend, let’s call her Debbie, for her second trip up the isle. Her first marriage was doomed from the start when her then bridesmaid quipped “Oh, if it doesn’t work, you can always get divorced” as Debbie was donning her gown:. Lovely, just lovely. She should have saved that for the toast. Anyway, years later, I another call. “Lisa, will you be my bridesmaid?” Caught between dread and delight, delight won over. “Sure” I said. And thus began the nightmarish tale of the wedding that almost killed me.

Roughly a year before the blessed day, Debbie began planning her dream day. They were going to do everything by themselves: invitations, flower arrangements and by the way, the entire wardrobe for the wedding party. Why you may ask? Because it was going to be a theme wedding and the theme was Medieval. Okay, I can do this. The wedding is taking place 2,000 miles away from anyone else I know. Then about two months into planning the wedding, Debbie is pregnant. No problem, Debbie says she’ll have the baby in March and the wedding is still on for June.

Months pass, seasons pass and Debbie has a baby boy on March 23. April passes, and I hear nothing of the wedding. Finally on May first she calls to say the wedding is still on, but she may need me to fly in a few days early to help. My stomach drops, this is not good.

June 9th, I catch a red eye to fly from LA to Buffalo, NY on a Wednesday night. The wedding is on Saturday. I land 8 am on Thursday. Debbie is nowhere in site. I wait for 40 minutes before calling her house. Nothing. Finally her fiancé calls and Debbie has overslept. The baby has been sick for the past few days and Debbie has a back tooth that is causing her whole mouth to swell. Oh and the whole family has been up for days while Debbie’s mom has been sewing all the wedding clothes.

Three hours later, Debbie, the baby and Debbie’s mom arrive to pick me up. Everyone looks horrible. The baby screams for the next hour and a half; Debbie’s face is all swollen, and the mom has been taking a prescriptive form of No-Doze. We arrive in some small town in Pennsylvania where a record heat wave is in full swing and there is no AC.

Let me break the days down by events:

Thursday afternoon we have to take Debbie to dentist. The fiancé and I bond while Debbie is having a tooth pulled. We then meet the groom’s family at the grocery store where they work. The groom bails on us, leaving me to drive back woods roads with Debbie fading in and out of consciousness. We arrive at base camp where Debbie’s mom has been sewing all day. By the way, the wedding is to be held in the back yard and the house looks like a land fill. So I start to clean the house and I am sweating like a pig. I pass out from exhaustion as does the bride.

The worst is yet to come...